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miyuskyePrompt: Koi no Yokan (Giapponese). Letteralmente "Premonizione d'amore", quando due persone s'incontrano ed almeno una di loro capisce che prima o poi nascerà un'amore con l'altra, pur non provando sul momento nessuna attrazione particolare. Si differenzia dal "colpo di fulmine" poiché non implica l'immediata sensazione d'essere innamorato, piuttosto il sapere che un futuro amore sarà inevitabile.
Fandom: My little monster! / Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun
Pair: Yamaken/Shizuku, side Haru/Shizuku
Warning: eeee maybe cheating, anche se uhhh... E' MOLTO BORDERLINE, per cose che succedono nella fanfic, ma tecnicamente PENSO sia cheating. NSFW.
la missione: LE PAROLE CHE IL CUORE SUSSURRA
io: what a great prompt for CHEATING
scusate
Maybe I should have known better. When, that day, I walked in that damned burger shop, why wasn’t there some kind of premonition? I wished there was. I would have let that stupid Yoshida off the hook for that day. Was the price of the meal we scrounged that day really worth what I had to experience next? I’m certainly not talking about the punch he gave me a few days later, or about having to build a house for his chicken – especially since the others took care of it. No, I’m not talking about that. I wasn’t able to admit it to myself for quite some time, but the hints were all there, they have been there for me to see, since our first encounter. I don’t know how to describe it, I’ve never felt something like that, so I just shrugged it off as maybe hunger? How foolish I was. I would like to say that it’s for the better, that it’s a valuable experience so that next time I know how to approach the situation and maybe… be faster about it? But I’m just deluding myself. I will never meet someone like her again. Maybe in another life, maybe if I could remember her…
It’s stupid for me to think about that right now. Why is my brain doing it? Why does it hate me so much? I don’t want to think about it. I wish to just forget everything. But I can’t. As my brain shows me images I don’t want to remember – it hurts too much – I close my eyes as the music in the room fills my ears.
It seemed like any other day. We decided on a whim to find Yoshida and ask him for some money. I had plenty to buy myself ten times lunch at that burger shop, but it was funnier if Yoshida offered the lunch himself. He was so naïve. Maybe it was payback for having exploited him so much… not like it does matter now. Joji was the first one to spot him. I was too busy looking at my phone. As another notification appeared on my screen, I sighed. “Are you free today?” with several hearts and star emoji. Tomio looked at the screen from my shoulder without me noticing – otherwise, I would have pushed him away; it was nothing too personal, but his comments and insinuations were annoying – and sneered.
- Mhhh, I spy with my little eye that another girl is going to have her heart broken iiiiin… do you even plan on replying to her? Or are you planning on leaving her hanging from your lips forever? You’re such a meanie, Yamaken. - He laughed. – Maybe you can give me her contact? Is she cute? -
- I think she’s cute, yeah. But I don’t really care. – I answered as I bluntly replied a cold “No.” to her. It’s true that girl – what was her name again? – was cute but I didn’t want to waste my time going out with her. She wasn’t worth it. For a moment I wondered if the right one for me would ever appear – if I hadn’t been so blind to all the hints I would have realized sooner – and Joji trotted to Yoshida’s table. I was surprised at that sight. Not only he was not alone. A girl was sitting with him. I felt a strange sensation in my stomach. An omen? Hunger? Who could tell? The girl had her face turned to Yoshida, so I couldn’t immediately see her.
Upon seeing Joji, Yoshida stood up, a big bright smile on his face. It made me sick. Why was he so clueless? Why was he so happy to see us? Was he so blind to our pranks? I didn’t have time to linger on those thoughts a lot, though.
The girl eating with Yoshida turned her head, to follow his movement and probably to look at the source of his excitement. Yes, that was it. The moment we crossed eyes. It is stupidly romantic for me to think back about it now. I wonder why I remember the moment I first met her so vividly. Maybe because of that strange sensation I had in my stomach as soon as I had her eyes on me for the first time? I remember it so well. The other didn’t notice anything as I was able to fairly conceal it, but I felt in full, for sure. Staring into her eyes, I just knew. She was not beautiful. Heck, she wasn’t even cute. She wasn’t anything. I didn’t feel anything for her at that moment. But it was like a glimpse in the future.
Looking back at it now, during this particular moment, it all makes sense. I never believed in premonitions of stupid things like that but it was real.
I felt like I had a hunch of what would happen. ‘Fuck, I’m going to fall in love with her’ I wasn’t in love with her at that moment. ‘And it’s going to be awful and hellish.’ She’s ugly. She doesn’t wear make-up. Her hair is stupid. Her twin-tails are stupid. Everything about her is stupid. And ugly. She’s not sexy at all. ‘It’s going to be the worst heartbreak of my life.’ Stop it. ‘It will hurt. But it’s inevitable.’ His brain hated him. Her blank stare seemed to dig so deep inside my soul. It was a stupid stare. I couldn’t help but turn my eyes away from her.
What the fuck was that? That was so scary. I’ve never felt such strong emotions. I’ve never felt them for anyone. It’s surely an omen. Did someone throw a curse on me? Was it Yoshida? Did he notice that we have been tricking him and he wants revenge? Did he ask this girl – who I a witch in disguise – to help him with his revenge plan? A quick look at Yoshida’s clueless and happy face tells me I’m just being paranoid. I’ve never felt this way. I’m getting overwhelmed by my anxiety, how is this possible? As Yoshida gives some money to Joji, I steal another glance at that girl. Tomio laughs with Mabo and she notices. She gives me an annoyed look. Did she catch our true intentions? It’s not like it matters, though. She’s smart. This notion kind of rose of a tiny bit my consideration for her. But I didn’t like her. She’s ugly. ‘Yet.’ My brain – my guts, even - warned me. As I followed the others to the cash to grab our meals, I kept repeating to myself that I was just being paranoid. There was just no way for me to fall in love with her. Just. No. Way. Besides, isn’t she Yoshida’s? Not like it would be that hard to steal a girl from that loser. ‘Heh, maybe I should try it. Steal his girl and then rub it in his face.’ Why did I have that thought? Would I have wanted to do it anyway if it wasn’t her? Not wanting to answer that question, I tried to drive away from my mind the girl’s blank stare on me. I didn’t like her, I didn’t think I would ever like her. I’m not cursed. That strange sensation was just hunger, for sure. I thought that as I ate my burger. Maybe one burger was not enough to calm that feeling I had, because the way she kept staring into me kept lingering on my mind more than I anticipated for. What a fool I had been. I was tempted to go to Yoshida to spill him some money for another meal – hoping it would appease what I was experiencing – but I decided against it. Going to Yoshida again would have meant crossing way with that unappealing girl again, and I did not want it. Especially if she was the cause of everything I was feeling. I was sure she was not but better safe than sorry. As going away from the restaurant to distance myself from those dangerous thoughts would help me, I got up before the other and run away, after looking casually at where Yoshida and that girl were seated before. They were gone. I released a sigh of relief I didn’t know I was holding. I didn’t know why, though.
The second time we met it was unexpected, like the first. We were at the baseball center, she was playing. Why would a girl be interested in baseball? That was so unsexy. She is the contrary of what someone would call sexy. ‘Thank God, I’m not cursed.’ I thought, upon seeing her. ‘Yet.’ My inner self reminded me. As I see her approaching, I felt relief – oh, what a stupid I was – as I thought she was just as ugly as two days ago. She scolded us that day. That wasn’t sexy.
I kept repeating that to myself like a mantra, the third time we met while resting my arm on her shoulder in front of Yoshida. ‘Hah, this is fun. I’m stealing your girl, loser.’ I ignored the feeling in my stomach as I got near her. What a stupid. It’s not like I paid any attention to what she smelled like. It seemed like soap and something new. I had vaguely remembered Yoshida talking about her working in a supermarket. It was not important at that moment. I was grateful to Yoshida for punching me, not that I would ever admit it, not even under torture. It distracted me from my thoughts.
As my friends repaired the chicken house I stole quick glances at her. I had to make sure. She was not attractive that day, she wasn’t attractive two days previous. Heck, she’s not even attractive right now. I know I’m just lying to myself, though. ‘I’m still safe.’ I sighed to myself. I wasn’t cursed yet.
The fourth time we met, I wanted to tease Yoshida more. I went to his school’s festival, the others found him and they started bickering. I wasn’t interested, so I decided to wander for a bit. A bad decision. Why did I do that? Maybe I wanted to be cursed. As soon as I realized I lost sight of Tomio – a second ago he was teasing Yoshida about something I couldn’t remember – that was it. ‘Fuck, I’m lost.’ For a moment, I even thought about calling the car and have them accompany me home. To the others, I could have just said that I got bored of the festival and went home to do more productive things. Well, it’s not like I had much going on at home – my sister was there, so I didn’t want to go there in the first place. Well, thinking back about it, I probably should have. Especially given that particular situation I had with that girl. Her name was Shizuku. I heard Yoshida call her. What a common and unoriginal name, I thought. She was one of the top students in her class, Yoshida surpassing her on sheer talent alone. That made her very angry – of course, it did – because she was very fond of studying. ‘Study-bug’. That was how he and his friends started calling her. It wasn’t like her was fazed by their comments. Was she used to it? That was so sad. After walking a while, lost in my thoughts, literally lost in that commoners’ school, I was tired. My orientation skills had never been that developed and I wanted to go home. I didn’t know how but I ended up in the school garden. Well, that was it. I was already outside, so I could just call my driver and go home. As I took out my phone, I heard a noise coming from my right. Turning my head towards the source of those rustles, I found her. That was the first time I found her when I was lost. I always hated how I wasn’t able to find my way even in a simple everyday situation, but finding her after being lost for at least twenty minutes was absurd. Maybe I was cursed. Maybe fate wanted me to be cursed by her. A shiver passed through my back as I realized my heart skipped a beat at her sight. She was unattractive today, as well. She was dressed in a strange costume. Was she... a nurse? A zombie nurse. She could have been sexy if she was dressed as a nurse, full stop. Why did she have to add that whole zombie topic to it? That was because she was unattractive at her core. That was what rendered her interesting, by the way. I didn’t mean it romantically, of course. How could I like such a study-bug as her? The studious type was never in my chords. I preferred more well-kept and dolled up girls. She was the opposite of my ideal type, so why. Why was I so relieved that I found her in this mess I walked into?
The memories of my confessions were so quick to pass. There wasn’t much to reflect on, anyway. I always thought that, in love, the timing was everything. There isn’t something more true for me and her. I was naïve. I thought that if I confessed earlier than him, she would choose me. It makes me laugh how wrong I was. I don’t understand her, though. I affected her, I made her heart beat faster when I was confessing. Then why did she reject me? Why does she always come back to him? I don’t understand. She’s a mystery to me; a mystery I can’t solve.
I remember clearly when I hugged her after I laid my feelings bare. She smelled of soap, as usual. I wanted to know where she worked so I could go to visit her. Then, I decided against it, as I didn’t want to be a stalker. It was so nice, I had never felt so warm in my life. I knew everything was going to end in a few moments, but those seconds spent hugging her were so precious. Maybe they were so important because they weren’t much. I wondered if I liked her only because she didn’t like me back. You know, one of those strange mechanisms where you lose interest if the one you want is interested. Some years later I would have the confirmation that no, I was wrong. Probably, having her reciprocate my feelings would have made me the happiest man alive. And yet, that was something I couldn’t have.
The last memory my brain decided to show me was nasty. It’s not like I could forget it for as long as I lived. I hoped she would never as well, but I knew that was just wishful thinking. Ever since I had known her, I could never get a clear reading on her emotions. When I was confessing, when I was holding her close, I couldn’t understand what she was feeling. She rejected me, twice, but I could feel that she wasn’t completely indifferent to me. It was just that my timing was wrong. If I had been there earlier she would have chosen me. Would she? I wonder. Our last time together seemed like a confirmation of this thought, but who knows. I would have to turn back time to know for sure. But I’m sure I would be stuck like in those sci-fi movies in a reality where she would always meet Yoshida first. And Yoshida would always win over me. Oh my God, that was such a sad thought.
It was a rainy night. I was busy studying for a particularly hard exam: it was one of the few remaining before graduation, so I had to focus and give my best. In the small flat, I shared with Tomio, there was not a single noise. He had gone out to spend the night to a girl’s house. I lost count of his one-night adventures. Guess old habits die hard. That was true for me too, I realized bitterly. As I was trying to understand an especially hard formula – God, quantum physics was so random – I saw from the corner of my eye my phone’s screen lighting up. Trying to ignore it – thinking it was just the girl from Chemistry class asking me out again – I focused again on my work. The phone lighted up again; this time it was a call. As I was taking my phone with one hand to put it with the screen facing the table, I caught a glimpse of the caller’s name. Needless to say, I almost dropped it. The letters ‘Study-bug’ were pitch black in the otherwise white screen. Swallowing in nervousness, I picked up before the rational part of myself could decide against it. By that time, I had resigned to the fact that she would never be mine, especially after Yoshida began talking marriage when he and Shizuku were around. I doubted that he did it to annoy me – and, honestly? The worst part was that he was succeeding – and every cell in my body screamed to me that it was not appropriate to pick a call from her in the middle of the night. I had developed a kind of telepathy as long as she was involved. That ability scared me but also made me feel close to her.
- Hello? – My own voice put a stop to my thoughts.
- Hey, Yamaken? – Hearing her say my name, as usual, brought butterflies in my stomach.
- Hey. What is it? – I could hear raining sounds from her call, where the hell was she? I hoped she wasn’t outside with this kind of weather.
- Could you… - Her voice was shaking. – open up? I’m outside your flat. -
At those words, my breath stopped for a moment. I tried to calm myself. She was outside. I wanted to make her come inside as soon as possible as I didn’t like the thought of her outside with that weather. But I also had to calm myself because I was inviting the girl I hopelessly liked for years – once a curse is established, it never goes away – inside my house, without my roommate. I wasn’t Yoshida and I knew how to control myself and I would never do something to her without her consent. I respected her the most among my friends. But. What if she wanted to be with me too? Shaking these thoughts with all my might – she had not wanted it since high school, she wouldn’t be needing affection now, her graduation only months away, with a marriage in sight – I walked at the front door of my flat and opened it.
Outside, there she was. For a moment, I even wondered if I wasn’t imagining things. My own delusions, making me answer to an imaginary call from her. Yet, there she was. Outside my door. Dressed casually, as usual. Unattractive, as usual. Her wet hair stuck to her face. She was unattractive, ugly, but I wanted to hold her so badly. I didn’t care about getting myself wet. I just wanted to feel her warmth in my arms. I wanted to dream again, like that day. As I imagined, I had never found someone like her. I wanted to tease her, saying that I probably didn’t want to talk to her again, but I ended up not going for that. She looked really tired. What had happened to her?
After inviting her inside and closing the door, I offered her something to drink. Tomio and I weren’t big fans of teas, but some of his flings brought some tea and biscuit during their visits so I shamelessly recycled those. It’s not like she would know. Or care, for what it mattered. She kept staring down as she went inside. When she reached the living room, she stood near the sofa, unsure of what to do.
- It’s okay, you can sit. I don’t care if it does get wet. I’m bringing you a change of clothes. Are my clothes okay? They will be larger on you, but it’s better than anything. -
After muttering a low ‘thank you’, she decided to sit down. She tried to be as composed as she could, in order not to get wet any more parts of the sofa than necessary.
After coming back from my room, I found that she had removed her sweater, revealing a white t-shirt underneath, soaked wet as well. The t-shirt was stuck to her body as well, and the – albeit few – curves she had were accentuated. I could see her striped sports bra from her wet t-shirt. Tomio would have made fun of me endlessly if he knew I found that incredibly sexy. The worst part was, she wasn’t aware of it. Swallowing hard, trying to ignore the storm of emotions I was feeling, I handed her my clothes. She didn’t grab them. She seemed to be lost in thoughts. I walked closer to her, wanting to lightly shake her shoulder to bring her back to earth, but my mind wasn’t complying. I kept staring at her t-shirt. Before I knew it, thoughts about removing it started to creep in my mind. ‘Fuck it, Kenji. What the fuck are you actually thinking? She’s off-limits. She’s been off-limits for years. She’s been off-limits since the day you met her. You can’t begin thinking this way about her now.’ Well, it wasn’t like I hadn’t thought of her that way before. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t have confessed.
- Ah, you’re here. I’m sorry, I was spacing out. – She simply said.
‘What were you thinking about? Probably about him. He was always on your mind, wasn’t he?’ I looked at her, smiling knowingly. She probably read between the lines, because she quickly stood and grabbed my clothes, before running hurriedly to my room. Without asking. Sighing at the water stain she left on the sofa, I decided to throw myself on the dry part of that piece of expensive furniture I kept in my flat and wait for her. Maybe I should have used that time to calm myself down. Yes, thinking back at it, I probably should have done that. If I was in my right mind I would have probably avoided all that. But, as I already know, my brain likes to play with me. As soon as I landed on my sofa, I looked casually in the direction of my room. Of course, the door was closed. But, Shizuku was indeed changing behind that door. It wasn’t like I had to use a lot of imagination to envision her taking off her shirt – it was all exposed by its wetness – but actually starting to imagine it was very arousing. ‘Stop it, Kenji’ I tried to warn myself, without avail. As I felt my pants grow tight, I decided to stop, for my sake. Swallowing in one gulp my hot tea, burning my tongue a little helped to bring back my mind to its focus. Even if studying was out of the question now, he still wanted to maintain their relationship intact. He knew he couldn’t look at her like before if they crossed a certain line. Heck, he could not look normally at her even now.
As he was sighing after finishing his tea, Shizuku opened the door of his room.
I had never thought about this kind of thing before. I had never imagined that I would be turned on by the girl I like wearing my clothes.
Yet, apparently.
Seeing her with my sweater on her, clearly oversized, send a shiver from my upper back, straight to my groin. Sighing, pushing these thoughts out of my mind, I waited for her to sit on the sofa. Now that the wet spot where she was earlier was unavailable for seating, we had to be a little closer and my heart skipped a beat as she was letting her fall on the sofa near me.
I didn’t want to force her into telling me what happened, but after a while of staring blankly to an unknown point in front of her, she started telling me everything.
As I deduced, she argued with Yoshida. She was studying hard these days, for her graduation. He didn’t understand, as usual. For him it was so natural to be good at things, he didn’t get why Shizuku spent so much time over books instead of him. Even if they had been together for years, Yoshida was a stubborn man and, even after countless fights over that specific topic, he never learned. He got especially angry this time and ran away from their shared flat. Shizuku was a bit taken aback by his behavior and didn’t do anything. She thought he would come back. But he wasn’t. He didn’t answer her calls, he didn’t contact any of us to tell us what he was doing. She called everyone, and no one had news about him. Where did he go? After half a week, she decided to look for him. True, outside was raining. But she had to find him. After almost an hour of wandering and wandering, she ended up at my flat. Was it destiny? I couldn’t tell. I just wanted to hold her close to me.
- I can treat you better, - I blurted out, without thinking. – Better than he can. -
I didn’t like saying void words, yet there I was. Saying those things to Shizuku. I honestly believed that I would never leave her alone. But I knew that, for Shizuku, that wasn’t true. Unluckily, for love, there wasn’t a formula. But she chose Yoshida over me. She chose Yoshida countless times over me. Every time I was near her and her eyes were all on him, she chose him. She would choose him again and again.
After listening to her, I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to be a good friend and give her advice, but I couldn’t. All I wanted was to hold her, kiss her, touch her. She sighed.
- I’m sorry. I probably should not have gone to you. Maybe Natsume… -
- It’s fine if you stay here. I won’t do anything to you, I’m not a brute. – It hurt my pride that she thought I would force myself on her.
- You’re not the problem, I am. -
I wasn’t sure I heard her right.
- What? – I probably had a dumb expression on my face.
- I don’t trust myself. I might do something I might regret later if I’m around you. -
I couldn’t believe I was hearing those words, from her. I wanted from the bottom of my heart to let her do everything she wanted. Even if just for a minute, she could be mine…
- You can sleep on my bed if you want. I’ll stay here. – I wanted her to come close to me and kiss me. – You can do whatever you want. I won’t put you in danger later. – I wasn’t unsure of what those words meant. I just wanted her to feel sure with me. To feel at home. I probably wasn’t very good at it, because I never felt home anywhere.
I watched her going to my room again, as I covered myself with a blanket I usually left on the sofa. I hoped Tomio used his own room to do his things with his girlfriends because the thought of covering myself with an item stained with his sperm grossed me out.
I felt a light touch to my shoulder, and I opened my eyes weakly.
- Tomio, is that you? I thought you were supposed to stay at your girl’s home… -
- I’m sorry, Yamaken, it’s me. -
Ah. – Oh. Can I do something for you? – I asked her, still half asleep.
- No, I’m sorry. I went here to have a glass of water, but I accidentally bumped into you. -
As she was going back again, I did it. I don’t know what took over me, but I did it. I softly touched her hand, silently asking her to stay.
The room was dark, only the lights from the streets and the moon lighting the room. I could barely see her. She still wore my sweater. I wondered if she was wearing something underneath or if she took off her underwear too. I shivered at the thought and tried to remain focused on her.
She stopped as I lightly held her hand. I fully opened my eyes and stood from my position, sitting with my feet on the sofa. I still held her hand.
- I want to kiss you. – I confessed. For the third time. Well, I don’t think it was actually a confession. I didn’t say that I liked her again. I felt her move and she sat next to me. What…
I thought she would go back to her room.
- I want to kiss you too, Yamaken, but… - She faltered. – I don’t know if- -
- I won’t judge you. Nobody will. It’s your right to do what you want, Yoshida abandoned you, after all. – At the mention of his name, she stiffened and let go of my hand. ‘Fuck.’ Was everything I could think of.
Suddenly, I felt her weight shift near me and her lips were on mine. It all happened so suddenly, I’m not sure I remember it correctly. After all, I was a bit surprised and, admittedly, excited. After years – too many to count them - I was kissing the girl I liked. I didn’t want to believe it. Her lips were soft against mine. I kissed some girls before her, of course. But her kiss was on a whole different level. I never believed about emotion being involved in this kind of thing, but she proved me wrong. She always does, after all. I shiver a little upon remembering that particular moment. As if I was waiting for that moment my entire life, I placed my hand on her cheek and started to kiss her back. I lingered on the feeling of that kiss as long as I could. I didn’t think she’d be too invested in it – given her usual demeanor – but hearing her moaning turned me on immensely. More than I already had been that evening. ‘I want to have sex with her.’ I thought. I had been wanting that for years, but now I just felt like taking my clothes off of her and holding her close. ‘I want to be inside her, I want to make her come.’ Thoughts of the girl I loved, naked above me, filled my mind. ‘I want to make her feel special. I want to be better than him. So she can choose me.’ I was desperate. After breaking the kiss, she climbed over my lap and pushed my back to the sofa. I usually was the one leading the act, but now, with her, I wanted to let her do it. I wanted her to feel special. Does Yoshida let her do the same? I tried not to think about him in that specific moment. That wasn’t a very smart move from my part.
Her lips are on mine again. Oh my God, she kissed so well. She felt so good. Her usual soap smell was still on her, even during that moment. Did she still work at her father’s supermarket? She was so good. I was sure she was everything I’ve ever wanted; she’s the girl I love.
I wanted to touch her so badly. I didn’t know if I could, though. I tried placing my hands on her hips. As I started to go higher, I didn’t sense any kind of rejection from her. As I could finally touch her breasts, I wanted her to feel closer to me. She didn’t have her bra on. So I had been right before. Gosh, that was so exciting. I wanted to take off her sweater and kiss her everywhere. I wanted to hear her say my name. Taking her chin into my hand and deepening the kiss, I kept massaging her breast with my other hand. That whole situation was so arousing, I was hard already. I bucked my hips against her, and she moaned. ‘Fuck, that’s so sexy, I want to be buried inside her so much.’ I could feel she was hot down there, too. That made me want to fuck her more. As she grinded back into my hand as I was touching her from my trousers, I let out a moan. Fuck, I had never wanted a girl so bad in my whole life.
I tried putting a hand near her panties, she was dripping wet. It was amazing.
- Shizuku… - I managed to let out her name in a moan I didn’t know I was holding. I still couldn’t believe it. She was so sensitive, letting out shameless moans as I kept stroking her softly. I presumed she had been shyer at the beginning, but I’m sure she grew confident over time. Even if I wanted to oversee her transformation myself, this version of Shizuku really suited my tastes a lot. How I wished it had been me instead of Yoshida… I wanted her to show all those expressions to me first, instead of him… I was so taken in by her soft voice and moans; I leaned in and kissed her again, and again. I loved kissing her; I could do that for my whole life. With each soft stroke, I could hear her letting out small moans, grinding against my hand. I wondered how it would feel to be inside her.
- Fuck, you’re so hot… - I couldn’t believe I told her so. I hope Tomio never finds out or he will mock me for life. But she was hot. She even panted my name twice as I was massaging her. I wanted her so much.
As I was about to put my hand inside her pants – I couldn’t wait – she suddenly gasped. She proceeded to push me away. She stood from her position and faced me. I didn’t take off any of her clothes, so she was still fully dressed. She had a pained expression. I felt so terrible. Why was she sad? Did I do something she didn’t like?
- I’m sorry. – She managed to say. The next words she spoke, I would never forget them for the rest of my life.
- I can’t do this. I know I’m just doing it because I want revenge on him. You don’t deserve this. Your feelings for me are sincere; I can’t do this to you. -
I stood up and held her. I know I can’t have her, those moments made me think differently but the bitter truth was always there for me to see. This felt like a deja-vù. Holding her, not wanting to let go. Why does she always escape me? Why can’t I have you?
- I know. I’m just too amazing for you. I get it you feel you’re not enough for me. –
She softly laughed. Her laughter warmed my heart.
This time too, it was the same as that day. It was the contrary. She was too amazing for me, I would never be enough for her. It hurt so much to admit that a person I love so much doesn’t reciprocate.
I wished her a goodnight and I watched as she returned to my bedroom.
Crying myself to sleep had never happened to me before, but, well, there is a first time for everything.
Even in that situation, she was so amazing. I envied her a lot. I wasn’t sure I would be able to do the same, in all honesty.
I decided I wanted to be the best I could for her. I wanted to be the best man for her, even without being her boyfriend or husband. She made me strive for the better. She is truly the best.
The next morning, I could feel she was embarrassed. I didn’t want her to be; I promised not to make her feel guilty. She didn’t need to. She didn’t deserve to. She made me the happiest man alive, just by being close to me for less than an hour.
Yoshida came back the day after her visit. I think that he might have sensed the whole situation and came back for her. He was unusually sharp when Shizuku was involved. Well, not sharp enough to understand how to treat her properly. Things between Shizuku and Yoshida got better. He cooled off his anger and came back to her. I didn’t want to know about the details of their reconciliation, I wasn’t interested. I knew Shizuku loved him, I knew it. I wondered if she told him about that evening. My better bet is no, but, who knows. Her intense stare – the first stare full of emotion she ever gave me – was buried deep on my mind. It’s the same stare she has now. She is beautiful today. Every girl it’s beautiful during their wedding. She is smiling, she is full of life. This has nothing to do with being sexy or appealing, she just fills my heart with joy. I’m happy to see her smiling, even if I’m not the cause behind her joy. Even if she will never smile for me that way.
The ceremony ended shortly. When the priest asked if someone opposed the marriage, I could feel Tomio’s stare on me.
- We’re not in a film, stupid. – I whisper to him. ‘If we were in a film, I would be in Yoshida’s place, of course.’ I laugh to myself at the thought. What I would give to have her as my bride. I wonder if I had ever any chances with her, to begin with. Maybe if Yoshida was not there… but he was, and he made his point clear to me several times.
He raises her, bridal style. I hope he doesn’t let her go, otherwise, I will punch him so bad he won’t forget his wedding day for as long as he lives. She is smiling and laughing and giggling.
They pass near us. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to their ceremony, I was too busy remembering our story, the story that never was and that never will. It is a bit sad, now that I think about it. I want to cry, but I don’t want to do it in front of her. Even if a few other people would not understand the true meaning behind it, she surely will. I don’t want to be a burden to her. I truly wish her all the happiness. I lightly take her hands in mine as she and Yoshida pass near us. I kiss her hand softly, and Yoshida is glaring daggers at me. I don’t really care, I want to send her off properly. I think she deserves it. Shizuku looks at me. She smiles, softly, maybe shyly. I wonder if she is also thinking about that night. I wonder if that night I was able to make an impression on her, unlike all the other times I tried to impress her. The soft blush on her cheeks and her gaze turning away from mine tells me I am right. Or, at least, that’s how I want to read it.
Goodbye, Shizuku. Goodbye, love of my life.