Our last moments (Amakusa/Semiramis)

[miyuskye]

 MIssione M4, quarta settimana.

Prompt: You wanted to make me believe in love
Sento di non aver dato giustizia a questa coppia bellissima stupenda fantastica, ma il mio checker della grammatica mi ha detto che sono stata very entertaining nello scrivere questa storia quindi ok, mi sembra un gran flusso di coscienza senza senso ma vabb

You finally open your eyes. Why did you take so long waking up? After I went to the trouble of picking you up from the ground and put you on my lap. I’ve never done something like this to anyone, did you know? You were so light in my arms, I was surprised. Well, I’m always surprised by you? Is that why I grew so attached in so little time? You are a mystery to me, a mystery I don’t want to solve. Am I blinding myself to the truth? I probably am. I wanted to believe in you. I still do. We were just unlucky. Who could have predicted what that homunculus boy did? He was so insignificant, and yet… If it wasn’t for him, I would have become empress? Would that have made you my emperor, then? At that thought, I feel my heart skipping a beat. Why is this happening to me now? Is this because I love you? I’ve never felt anything like that. My life has been nothing but people trying to deceive me. You were no different.

I know I’m just deluding myself. You never had any intention to make me an empress. I knew it from the beginning; the world you imagine is not fit for kings and leaders. Your dream is a world where no one owns anything. I wonder why you choose someone who poisoned her own husband when she was alive so she could become queen. I softly laugh as I intertwine my hand with yours.

I knew you never wanted a queen in your world, so why did I follow you? Why did I believe in you and gave my everything to help you? Was that because I fell in love with you after being overwhelmed by your passion and your ideals? Maybe I just wanted to believe that you would make me your queen in the end. I deluded myself into believing that I would have changed your mind. After all, I seduced a lot of men in my life. Everyone was after my body or my possessions. Even if that wasn’t your intent at the beginning, you would have changed your mind, right? Where are you now? I wonder if you’re going to wake up.

As I’m deep in thoughts, watching your chest rise and fall slowly, I hear a soft moan from you and I see your eyes opening slowly. I smile at you. I want to be the first thing you see after that exhausting battle. Why do I want that? Is this because I love you? I don’t think so. Hearing your voice is so soothing. Even as everything is about to end for us, you’re still so calm. How do you do it? I’ve seen countless people dying, in front of my eyes. They were scared, they were crying, they were clinging desperately to life, not wanting to depart. Well, we’re not actually going to die, anyway. Is this why you’re so calm?

To be honest, this is worse than death. We’re going back to the Throne room, and who knows when we’re going to be summoned again. Maybe the next time we set foot on Earth, we’re going to be enemies. Why does this scenario put so much weight on my soul? Well, knowing you, you’d just deceive and surpass your master, as you did this time. You’re amazing like that. Then, what about me? Will I be able to do the same?

You’re talking so calmly. I want to let you know that I knew about you deceiving me. You’re not surprised. I can never surprise you, can I? I laugh as I hear that you would have offered me your life as a price for your lies and deceptions. Do you think I would have taken it? What worth there is in ruling a world if you’re not with me, I wonder.

I don’t think I love you, after all. I’m just sympathetic. That is all. That must be it, right? You made me believe in your ideals, and not it’s all over. That’s so sad, right? You couldn’t achieve your dream. I got everything I wanted in life, I was queen, I had power and money. I felt accomplished. You weren’t like me, you strive for more. And yet, you couldn’t attain it. That’s so sad.

I think of giving you a reward. What best reward could there be than a kiss from me, then? I’m doing this for you. I’ve never wondered about how your lips would have felt on mine, as I looked at you speaking to the other Servants. Why would I have thought something like that? There were days where I couldn’t even follow what you were saying to me. Why was I so taken in by you? Right now, I must be going insane. I really want to kiss you. I’m deciding that this is your reward.

As I softly lower my head to close the distance between our faces, I feel accomplished for once. It’s not like you can reject me, and even if you could, I don’t think you would. Not after apologizing for deceiving me. You owe me this, don’t you? As I feel your soft lips on mine, I think that everything else doesn’t matter. Then, thoughts form in the back of my head. That - maybe - it was worth it. If there was the possibility to go back in time and win this war, would I do it? Was it worth losing everything to be able to kiss you? Well, I don’t know why I’m thinking about this, but it’s definitely stupid.

You thank me. Yes, you really should be thankful that you got to kiss me. I smile softly to you, and I pat your head. You are so amazing. I’m a little sad I won’t get to see you again. Why do I feel my heart tighten at this thought? You slowly close your eyes again, you’re smiling. You’re not surprised I kissed you. Well, maybe you were a little taken aback at the beginning, but there is no way you’re admitting that to me. I panic a little as I hear your last words.

- You wanted to make me believe in love… thank you. I’m so glad I met you. –

Excuse me, what are you blabbering about? You can’t say something like this and then vanishing to the Throne Room. You really can’t. Why do you always leave me like this?

You were the only one I’ve ever met that wasn’t interested in my body; you just wanted my strength and asked me to fight by his side. I admired you for that, and I envied the passion you put in pursuing your ideal world. I didn’t want to feel anything else to you. I let myself be deceived by you because you were passionate. Or was it love? There’s no way it was love. Absolutely no way.

Why do I always end up in this situation? Why the ones I love always perish in front of my eyes? Why does this time hurt so much? When I killed my husband it was different.

 It was so easy. Putting the poison of his food was so simple. And there he was, coughing and spitting blood from his mouth. As he realized I wasn’t helping him, he understood. The despair in his eyes was so great. I wondered if he was desperate from the fact he was dying or from the fact that his beloved wife, the one he fought so hard to obtain, was killing him. I wondered if there would ever be anyone for the latter case. Maybe you? I wouldn’t have poisoned you, though. It hurts so much seeing you die. I wonder if I could have done something better. If I could have been better. Why did you die?

As I slowly feel lighter, I understand that I’m leaving this world too. As I try to remember about the nice warmth from your lips on mine one last time, my thoughts and my soul are scattered into the emptiness of my floating gardens and what was of me, now is no more.

As I slowly regain consciousness, I feel nothing. There is nothing. Everything is pitch black. The first time I felt something like this, I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening, I always envisioned the afterlife in a very different way. By now, I know the feeling and I stop fear from conquering my already shattered heart. The Throne Room always feels so cold. I wonder if I can meet you there. Then, there wouldn’t be a need to go back to the world of humans. You wanted to transfer the souls of everyone here, but then, how could we have met? I wonder if you thought about that. But, then again, why would have you?

I don’t think I’m going to meet you right now. That would be so cliché, actually. Besides, I wish to meet you in the human world. There, I can be free to fulfill my deepest desires. Here in the Throne Room, there is no way of doing anything. I don’t care if I don’t meet you now. I will wait. The next time I get summoned, I will look for you. I don’t know if we ever will be summoned in the same war again but I will find you.

 I don’t love you, but our destinies and souls are connected. I know I will meet you again, and this is enough to give me all the hope in the world.